Bumper Stickers, Bathroom Graffitti, Put-downs, Sayings, Quotes, and other such Thoughts


Bumper Stickers!


Today's subliminal thought is:

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

Heisenberg may have slept here

The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.

Slower Traffic Keep Right - Is that so difficult?

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Question Authority, ask me anything

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!

NO! Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!

A bar walks into a physicist.  Wait, wrong frame of reference...

Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing still.

It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Do witches run spell checkers?

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose!

I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.

I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off....

I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I Still miss my ex-wife....but my aim is improving!

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?

Gravity brings me down

FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made the horn louder.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

Discoveries are made by not following instructions.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!

DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.

Clarvoiants meeting canceled due to unforseen events.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Chess players mate better.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716

Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.

Always draw your curves, then plot the data.

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.

I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?

To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot.  Some parts are missing.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

Help wanted -- telepathy:  you know where to apply.

Jesus paid for our sins... Now, lets get our money's worth!

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.  Want it?

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

God loves stupid people.  That's why he made so many.

I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.

APATHY ERROR:  Don't bother striking any key.

If you love something, save it.  If you don't, hunt it down and kill it.

Nice people swallow.

I love animals, they're delicious.

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 

Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.                                  

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 

A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Where does it go?  It doesn't matter.  Flush it.  

Save the whales, collect the whole set. 

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Do I look like a damn people person?

It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 

The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 

Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 

In God we trust; all others must pay cash. 

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. 

It isn't homework unless it's due in a couple of minutes

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

I'm objective; I object to everything. 

Consider yourself hugged. 

Life without bears would be unbearable. 

New with a K in front is a Canoe. 

A kibble is one thousand nibbles.


It's time for all bad spellers to untie.

Is it true that cannibals won't eat a clown because they're afraid they will taste funny?

General Custer wore arrow shirts.

The word verb is actually a noun.

Cartographers rule the world!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

So many idiots, so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)  My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

All generalizations are false.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It's not denial.  I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

i support public edekasion

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off

I used to be clueless but I've turned that situation around 360
degrees.


       A bus station is where a bus stops.

       A train station is where a train stops.

       On my desk I have a workstation........




Philosophies...


I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.


When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a
nail.
      -- Abraham Maslow

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
     -- English Professor, Ohio University

When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
     -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should
be thrown with great force.
     -- Dorothy Parker

"To err is human, to moo bovine"
        -- unkown

"Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock."
        -- unkown



If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Accept that somedays you're the pigeon and somedays you're the statue.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,  then beat you with experience.

Adults are just kids who owe money.



Quotes by Cowboys


 There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

 Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
 
 After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
 roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The
 moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 
 If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
 
 Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
 
 If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
 somebody else's dog around.
 
 Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is
 probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
 
 Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
 judgment.
 
 Always drink upstream from the herd.
 
 If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
 then to make sure it's still there.
 
 When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
 suprised if they learn their lesson.
 
 The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it
 in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone,
 grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to
 let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
 
 When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
 around by somebody else.
 
 Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
 
 Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
 important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
 
 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
 back in your pocket.
 
 A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.
 
 Never miss a good chance to shut up.




Advice on living


People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the
piano doing gorilla impersonations.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just
as much blood when you grab a thorn.

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes
on my cat.
      
Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to
ignore someone completely.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can'tbe
blamed on somebody else.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.
And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car
rusts and...

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I  may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.
Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so
many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. 
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It make the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag
himself.

It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.

I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.

A handy telephone tip:
Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.That way, when a salesman
calls, you  can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it
until he hangs up.

Try a little kindness.
As little as possible.

Into every life some rain must fall. 
Usually when your car windows are down.

Ah, the thrill of modern dance!
The sweeping musical majesty,the joy of poetic motion, the 
challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief...

Just remember...
You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to 
remember that all men are brothers...
and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, 
I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Men are like small children.
You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

I love playing cards with children.
They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. 
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who
immediately quit their jobs.
I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything.
Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's
everything!

Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on
TV.  So I put the cat there.

It's a small world.
So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Love is like a roller coaster:
when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... 
you can't wait to throw up.


Put-downs


 I can please only one person per day.
    Today is not your day.
    Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

 I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

 Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

 Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. -- Pogo

 We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

 Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.

 Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

 I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 

 Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

 It's obvious you won't survive by your wits alone.
 


more thoughts


How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in
their stomach?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?


Steven Wright


I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'

I lost a button hole today.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back
the entire area was missing...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it
looks like I'm the only one moving.

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I went fishing with a dotted line....I caught every other fish.

Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

You can't have everything ... where would you put it?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912 ... well, to make a long story short ...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency
Notify:"  I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big
buffet in the shape of a ouigi board.  You'd think about what
kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor
to it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea
shells.  I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe you've seen some of it...

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates
New York.


more thoughts


I think animal testing is a terrible idea;  they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.    -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie>

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary.    -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the
radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"  
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"   
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.  -- William James

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway.  -- Andrew Tannenbaum

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that
is in it - and stop there;  lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is
well;  but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.    -- Mark
Twain

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
   - Anatole France

There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the
streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there are men on base.  -- Dave Barry

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for
the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even
sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and
spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor of
the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:  No matter how great your triumphs
or how tragic your defeats --- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't
care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
   -Stephen Leacock

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"  --
Quentin Crisp

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country
with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and tired of
being told that I am!  -- Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.  --
George Carlin

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable.  -- John F. Kennedy

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.  --
Ashleigh Brilliant

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
   - Benny Hill

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
       1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
       2. Advising the President.
       3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
                 --David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your
principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off.  -- Johnny Carson

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless
we lose game five.  -- Charles Barkley

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but
then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing
Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

The most important thing in the programming language is the name.  A
language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a
very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.  -- D. E.
Knuth, 1967

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress.  
But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor Stigler,
I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To which Stigler
replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University
will allow me to award."

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean)
number of legs.  -- E. Grebenik

Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.  --
Plutarch

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." --
Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]


Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window!
             Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is
an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
             George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today
and we don't know where the hell she is.
             Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage.  They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
             Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I
grew hair under my arms instead.
             Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain.
             Carol Leifer

I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want,
but you must eat it with naked fat people.
             Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By
the second day you're off it.
             Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries."  The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
             Jay Leno

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:  "I
wanna know your name..."
             Mike Binder

Advertising:  The science of arresting the human intelligence
long enough to get money from it.
             Stephen Leacock

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they
would not be caught dead in otherwise.
             Roger Simon

You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of
Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
             Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
             Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
             George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
             Billiam Coronel

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is
that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
--Paula Poundstone

"I don't want to achieve immoratlity through my work.  I want to acheive it through not 
dying"
--Woody Allen

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?"
--John Mendoza

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and
they would only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
--Jay Mohr

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin

My time at school to me resembles closely what I would imagine living as a 
monk would be like.  No sex, no gratifying work, nothing but a hope of 
someday reaching a higher plane of existance
-alan

Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City:
Are You Fat And Ugly?  Do You Want To Be Just Ugly?  Memberships Available 
Now.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

"You can replace the Montery's synthesizer with another sythesizer, but 
the engineers at Turtle Beach Systems
only suggest to do this if you totally lose your mind, and suddenly gain 
interest in using an inferior product." -
Turtle Beach Systems Documentation

"Not all storage devices are 3.5 or 5.25 inch squares. A third type of 
storage media - the CD-ROM - is spherical."
-PC Novice

"Notice to user: By breaking the seal of the envelope, you accept the 
terms of the ENCLOSED license agreement."
-Adobe Font Pack for Windows

"The preivous paradign of computing - command-based, batch-processed, 
barelycoherent - was deeply associated
in the MIS community with masculinity.. One's virillity was associated 
with the gunmetal boxes and dense,
non-intuitive interfaces of the dense beasts. If you weren't familiar with 
'>A' prompts; if you didn't know what
SYS.CONFIG meant, you had no hair on your chest." -Computerworld


"If EASYFLOW doesn't work: tough. If you lose millions because EasyFlow 
messes up, it's you whose out
millions, not us. If you don't like this disclaimer: tough. We reserve the 
right to do the absolute minimum
provided by law, up to and including nothing. This is basically the same 
disclaimer that comes with all software
packages, but ours is in plain english, and theirs is in legaleese. We 
didn't really want to put a disclaimer at all, but
our lawyers insisted on it." -EasyFlow manual


"I wish to die peacefully in my sleep like my Dad.....not screaming in 
terror like his passengers." - somebody's .sig


Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. 

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. 

No opera plot can be sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing. 
     W H Auden 



 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.

 My karma just ran over your dogma.

 If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan? 
 
 Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
 
 Indecision is the key to flexibility. 
 
 Having an out of body experience. Back in five.


 He who is not busy being born is busy dying.

 Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
 
 If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it. 
 
 Do unto others, then run.-- Benny Hill 
 
 Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. 
 
 I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
 
 It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
 
 My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. -- Carrie Fisher
 
 I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West
 
 We are not human doings, rather, we are human beings.
 
 The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. -- Lily Tomlin
 
 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. 
 
 If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
 
 Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
 
 The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
 
 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

 I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
 
 Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
 
 Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
 
 All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
 
 Too err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
 
 Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
 
 I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
 
 My Reality Check bounced.
 
 I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
 
 On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
 
 The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
 
 Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
 
 Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
 
 I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
 
 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

 Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. 
 
 It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
 
 Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
 
 There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 
 	1. Never tell everything you know. 

 Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
 
 I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

 I'm busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest. 
 
 Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
 
 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
 Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.


Bathroom Graffitti


 The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
 * Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

 Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
 * Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
 
 If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
 * On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet, O'Ryan's
    - Irish Pub, Ashland, Oregon.
 
 If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump
    here.  Your asshole is in Washington.
 * Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
 
 Beauty is only a light switch away.
 * Perkins Library, Duke University,  Durham, North Carolina.
 
 I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
 * Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
 
 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
 * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
 
 No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
    putting up with her shit.
 * Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
 
 To do is to be.     -Descartes
 To be is to do.     -Voltaire
 Do be do be do.     -Frank Sinatra
 * Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.
 
 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 * Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
 
 Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!
 * Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana.
 
 A Woman's Rule of Thumb:  If it has tires or testicles, you're going
 to have trouble with it.
 * Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.
 
 JESUS SAVES!  But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
 * Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
 
 If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
    Congress!
 * Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
 
 Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
 * Inside toilet stall door, Men's restroom, ???
 
 Express Lane: Five beers or less
 * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Pheonix, AZ.
 
 You're too good for him.
 * Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
 
 No wonder you always go home alone.
 * Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
 
 Flush twice, its a long way to the kitchen.
 * Sign on doorstall, Washakie Cafeteria, University of Wyoming.

 This bubble gum tastes like rubber.  Yeah, but it lasts a long time.  And it
   blows great bubbles.
 * Condom machine, Missoula, MT.

 Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh.
 * Port-O-John, Acadia Nat'l Park, Maine.

 I used to be into necrophelia and beastiality....but then I realized I was just
   kicking a dead horse.
 * The Cellar Restaurant, VA.


Signs


In the front yard of a funeral home:
 "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a nonsmoking area;
 "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."

On a front door:
 "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."

On a butcher's window:
 "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
 "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
 "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

   At a Santa Fe gas station: 
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glas container.

   In a New York restaurant: 
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

   On the wall of a Baltimore estate: 
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

   On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 
38 years on the same spot.

   In a Los Angeles dance hall: 
Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

   On a movie theater: 
Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child.

   On a New Hampshire medical building: 
Martin Diabetes Professional Ass.

   In a New York medical building: 
Mental Health Prevention Center

   At a number of military bases: 
Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

   On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: 
Now available in multi-packs.

   In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

   In a funeral parlor: 
Ask about our layaway plan.

   In a clothing store: 
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

   In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

   On a shopping mall marquee: 
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

   Outside a country shop: 
We buy junk and sell antiques.

   On a Pennsylvania highway: 
Drive carefully. Auto accidents kill most people 15 to 19.

   In downtown Boston: 
Calahan Tunnel -- No end

   In the window of an Oregon store: 
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

   In a New Jersey restaurant: 
Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.

   On a movie marquee: 
Now playing: ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!

   In the vestry of a New England church: 
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

   In a Pennsylvania cemetery: 
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

   On the grounds of a public school: 
No tresspassing without permission.

   In a library: 
Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.

   On a Tennessee highway: 
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

   Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: 
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

   Somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
   untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says: 
"Do not throw stones at this sign."
 
 Sign on an electrician's truck:
     "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."
 
 Sign outside a radiator repair shop in a small midwestern town:
     "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."
 
 Sign in a maternity clothes store:
       "We are open on labor day."
 
 Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
       "Push  -  Push  -  Push."
 
 Sign in a podiatrist's window:
       "Time wounds all heels."
 
 Sign in a muffler shop:
       "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
 
 Sign at the dry cleaner's window:
       "Drop your pants here."
 
 Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery:
       "Reserved for plant manager."
 
 Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward:
       "Please do not disturb further."
 
 Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:
       "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"
 
 Sign in a bowling alley:
       "Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop."
 
 Sign in a cafeteria:
       "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
 In pencil beneath the sign:
        - Socks can eat anyplace they want."
 
 Sign in a Maine restaurant:
       "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
 
 Sign in school:
       "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in
       this building will be temporarily suspended."
 
 Sign on an asphalt truck:
       "Let us fill your crack!"
 
 Sign at a muffler shop:
       "No muff too tough for us!"



Quotes


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to 
those of us who do.

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

An easily understood,  workable falsehood is more useful than  a 
complex, incomprehesable truth.

It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and 
not have it.

When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, 
delegate.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence that you tried.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening 
to an expert. Keep talking.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your thing.
Author: Warren Miller


Age does not diminish the extreme disapointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
   - Jim Fiebig

...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however
improbable, must be the truth.
Author: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle


Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
        -- Shakespeare, _Macbeth_

"Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans"
        -John Lennon

"An pessimist is someone who thinks things have hit rock bottom.  I am an
optimist - I belive that things can get much worse."
        -Yaakov Kirschen

"He who conceals a useful truth is equally guilty with the propagator of
an injurious falsehood."
        -Augustine

" Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance 
like no one is watching."
	-Randall G Leighton

" I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
	-Thomas Alva Edison

Pragmatism-The doctrine that truth is the practical usefulness of an idea.

Dominance is Strenght. Leadership is earned.

In just two days tommorrow will be yesterday

Power means not having to respond.

"People afraid of making fools of themselves Never make anything of themselves." - John Knowles

Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.

" It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try." -Richard Milhous Nixon

"The ultimate result of shielding men from the results of folly is to fill the world with fools."

"He who praises everybody praises nobody." - Samuel Johnson

"If you build a device even a fool can use, only fools will use it"


Political Opinions


The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man.
Author: George Bernard Shaw

You will do me the justice to remember, that I have always
strenuously supported the Right of every Man to his own opinion, however
different that opinion might be to mine. He who denies to another this right,
makes a slave of himself to his present opinion, because he precludes himself
the right of changing it.
  -- Thomas Paine, _Age of Reason_, 1794


Without a doubt the greatest injury of all was done by basing morals on myth.
For, sooner or later, myth is recognized for what it is, and disappears.
Then morality loses the foundation on which it has been built.
Author: Lord Samuel

"It is often easier for our children to obtain a gun than it is to find a
good school"
        -Joycelyn Elders
"Maybe that's because guns are sold at a profit, while schools are
provided by the government"
        -David Boaz

"A minimum wage...does not guarantee any worker's employmewnt;  it only
prohibits, by force of law, anyone from being hired at the wage which would
pay his employer to hire him"
        -Murray Rothbard

"I am convinced that we can do to guns what we've done to drugs;  create a
multi-billion dollar underground market over which we have absolutely no
control."
        -George Roman

"Tell the American people never to lose their guns.  As long as they keep
their guns in their hands, what's happened here will never happened
there."
        -A Dying Chinese citizen after Tienmaman Square

"This year will go down in history.  For the first time, a civilized
nation has full gun registration!  Our streets will be safe, our police
more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future."
        -Adolph Hitler

"An econmoy hampered by restrictive tax rates will never produce enough
revenue to balance our budget, just as it will never produce enough jobs
or enough profits."
        -John F. Kennedy

"Conservatives define compassion not by the number of people who receive
some kind of government aid, but rather by the number of people who no
longer need it."
        -Jack Kemp

"Most economic fallacies dervice....from the tendencyy to assume that
there is a fixed pie, that one party can gain only at the expense of
another."
        -Milton Friedman

"The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just." - Abraham Lincoln

"I have little interest in streamlining government or in making it more efficient, for I mean to reduce its size. I do not undertake to promote welfare, for I propose to extend freedom.
My aim is not to pass laws, but to repeal them. It is not to inaugurate new programs, but to cancel old ones that do violence to the Constitution, or that have failed in their purpose, or that impose on the people an unwarrented financial burden. I will not attempt to discover whether legislation is "needed" before I have first determined whether it is constitutionally permissible.
And if I should later be attacked for neglecting my constituents' "interests", I shall reply that I was informed their main interest is liberty and that in that cause I am doing the very best I can."

Barry Goldwater

"To silence an idea because it might offend a minority doesn't protect that minority. It deprives it of the tool it needs most-- the right to talk back." - Norman Corwin

"The genius of the American system is that through freedom we have created extraordinay results from plain and ordinary people." - Phil Gramm

"There are no such things as limits to growth, because there are no limits on the human capacity for intelligence, imagination, and wonder." - Ronald Reagan

"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away." -Barry Goldwater

"...You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer..." -Abraham Lincoln


Goals are never out of reach...
-alan


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