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Neither Chocolate nor mint, was the flavor on which they decided Triple scoop on the go, on this night of their tooth decay They were found with some cones, but they never did churn, Just like slamming the freezer door...BANG!! YEAH! How bad he'd end up, just from one junior cup, but he needed more than vanilla Their allowance would go, towards extra large cones, saving up for a gallon And they bought a big gun, held up Baskin-Robbin's, and demanded every pint... Chorus: Of Rocky Road ice cream! They're all alone Rocky Road Children! The Lust for cones, They wanted Roacky road! They got brain-freeze headaches, on the night that they munched forever Eating scoop after scoop, on the night with a sugar high They were lost in freezers, not a cup left unturned, The good humor man slammed the door... Chorus: On Rocky Road Children! Eating all night... Rocky Road Children! Pint after pint... (Fade out...)(NOTES: This was my first Dio parody. I think I got better as time went on. I revised this one a few times because I wanted to match the parody syllable-for-syllable with the original Dio song, which is something I always try to do now with my parodies now.)
Add another sugar pack, feel like my head is gonna crack, and when I see half&half, I roll eyes, yeah I use lots of sugar, but everyone that I know, loves cream Every one that I know, drinks Tea (chorus) I could have used a creamer, Instead of so much sugar I could have used a creamer, yeah I hate coffee flavor, so I need to really make it sweet I add sugar cubes 'til, I fly...Why? Adding so much glucose, caffine and sugar's my brain Let be grow my own sugar cane, forever (chorus) I could have used a creamer, instead of so much sugar I could have used a creamer, 'cause cream it adds flavor! I could have used a creamer, creamer, oh... (solo) In my cup are 12 packs, of sugar in my coffee once black But is there an alternate, for sugar I heard about Sweet-and-Low, I heard it killed a lab rat! Black coffee tastes like dead cats! Dead cats? Now I see... (chorus) I could have used a creamer, I could have given it a try I could have used a creamer 'cause cream don't give sugar highs! (fade out...)(NOTES: I had seen the original video for "Dreamer" on Mtv's Headbangers' Ball years ago, before I was really into Dio. It became one of those songs that I really liked, but didn't get the tape for years. As with this parody, I try to match some of the original words and phrases with what I write, rather than just have the new words rhyme in the same time. Here, "I heard about a RAINbow" becomes "I heard about Sweet-AND-Low".)
It is twelve o'clock noon,
time to grab some food,
gonna drive right over to McDee's, yeah
Whether it's the Burger King,
Jack-in-the-box, Wendy's
We will always...BARF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're off to McDee's! With only fifteen
sucky minutes to eat!
But the indigestion grease
may last a life time
We're all heading to the john,
all this barf we didn't want
But the cooks come in
to fill their buckets up
We can't bitch or moan,
in the salad: I saw bones
We eat our crap and are on our merry way
Chorus: We'll know for the first time,
what they put inside french fries, at the Fast Food Line (2x)!
Driving to Taco Bell, it's a highway to hell
And the line for food is the same line to the can!
We could go elsewhere, where the beef don't have hair,
But our jobs with short lunch breaks are worth the pain!
Chorus: We'll find the beast sometime, That lurks in the apple pie,
In the Fast Food line! Yeah, in the fast food line!
Oh...(solo)
Yeah,
We'd point out the slime, but we never never never have time
We're heading back to work with stomach pains and vommit
We all have no better choice, Eating burger buns so moist
You can relieve yourself, but the only way to do is puke
Chorus: Someday we will die, From the Chocolate grease pork Rines
In the fast food line!
Oh...in the fast food line...See how we dine...
In the fast food, in the fast food, in the fast food,
In the fast food line! Oh...(fade)
The net has a thousand groups but he reads only the newsgroups where the spam can never be Too much "1-900" lines, And you log on in the morning, reading, screaming Trying to tell them phone sex lines should not be on alt-sesame-street Newsgroup Superspam, newsgroup superspam, newsgroup super spam.
Somebody start the flames, and the spam will just get louder as it cloggs up the newsgroups. "Get rich quick": how it gets lame But when you read at the computer, the news goes slow. Need this? Hell no! No "get rich" schemes nor jew jokes belong on alt dot rock-n-roll
Newsgroup Superspam, newsgroup superspam...please no more newsgroup superspam, newsgroup superspam...anybody can, receive superspam, newsgroup superspam, newsgroup superspam....(NOTES: That parody was written in protest of the "spam" that would come into alt.music.dio from time to time)
Hey- can you feed me? Can you eat?
There's a smell from the edge of the town
Smell cake batter, cookies and some sweets
so child don't you frown
You know- After supper, should be dessert,
but I don't always follow that rule, no
And is the baker always fat? No, he just makes good food.
CHORUS: He's down at the bakery, making a pastery
Good food at the bakery- Just for you to eat
Always a bakery...
We are frosting, macrame`s
Making pies, flavor cream coconut
Cookies, eclaires, strudels and pies. Would you like a donut?
Follow taste buds, though you try,
There are health nuts invading you mind:
"Sweet tooth dinings can taste so good, but enlarge waist lines"
CHORUS
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Pride in the diet, turn out the lights you'll see food anyway, Jogging forever, they'll follow just when you exercise, and add weight to your tummy and your thighs...oh my!! It's the call of the candy the way ice cream's tempting to the big health nuts It's tastes of such pleasure, you promise yourself only one slice, and then there does the diet you've tried twice! PRE-CHORUS: Oh do you really think I like the taste of that Sweet-N-Low "Fat free" Yougurt tastes real? Not a chance! I'm gonna crave the foods that diets do despise: CHORUS: I want EVIL PIES, evil pies, evil pies, evil pies... Yes, evil pies! Mmmm...those pies... Using the "stair-climb", trying to exercise your fat away. Jogging forever, tastes follow wherever you can go CHORUS Evil pies, evil pies...chicken thighs, evil pies, wear a thin disguise for what you eat...Evil Pies Jogging forever, they'll follow forever, cause their evil pies, evil pies...(ad lib)Back to the parody list
You say you've never eaten here before. Tacos are a first for you. I must say, if you can't stand spicy food, that nothing's really safe to eat here Start filling up your hard tortia shell. Go spoon some guacomole` You should have read the label on the jar, 'cause nothing's safe to eat just 'round here (CHORUS) Smoke on the ceiling, flame in your mouth, Chug tons of water but it won't go away, hey. Waving your arm, trying to scream, You yell for ice but no one can under stand you. You really wished you chose the mild one! Now that the flaming pain is finally gone, you chow down 12 burritos. Not hot, but you're screwed just once again, 'cause nothings safe to eat just 'round here. (CHORUS) Food through your system, down your bowells, Hands on your ass and running to the rest-room You feel...Fire out your ass, smoke in your pants, Didn't you ever hear about Mexican? Now you have to go relive the WILD RUNS!! Wild, wild runs... (Solo) (CHORUS) Flushing the toilet, fill it again You're on T-Paper roll number 10-oh... Fire trucks coming, flies are dropping, call 911 but nobody will believe you... You're always gonna have the wild runs!(NOTES: "Wild One" is one of my favorite Dio songs of all time, and I love mexican food. Ah...comedy bringing our favorite things together...) Back to the parody list
Dark rye, Wonder white, popping from the toaster? Coffee, black or white? What you gonna choose? They say breakfast time, breakfast food, cereal with sugar, Big bowl, cheerios! Oh I, like, breakfast right: Milk fresh from the Dairy Eating home, or, diner zones, If there's no bacon to fry And then there, jumped in the air, pop-tarts hot from the toaster Chocholate, frost it! Now I sit me down to eat, pour my juice and eat away at whole wheat raisin, whole wheat toast They really hit the spot. Wait some more, eat breakfast or You might not get nutrients Don't rush, eat you must Watch him eat slow Rush time, alarm chimes Looking up at the clock Hey, jerk! Late for work?Back to the parody list
Beers to brew! Beers to brew, beers for me! Students drinking in their dorms, or at fraternities All for fun, the belching calls, now you can pull my finger, as we're pissing on bathroom walls, when you finally piss too high, hangovers always bring it down You college student minors, look what we found, that the room spins round. Make beers to brew! Come on, raise your mug, make some here: using pasturation, we can purify the beer. Pour the suds Then chug the drink Your parents paid tuition, you Just puke right in the sink Hey, you alcoholic students Here we found That they all fell down So Here's to me! Here's to you! Beers to you, Beers to drink Beers for you, Beers for me Beer, school season Oh beers to me, beers to you Raise your mugs, here's to college!(NOTES: Dio DID actually sing for a Budweiser commercial! I myself don't drink at all. I just never felt the need to.)
Oh McGyver, working for the Pheonix found-a-tion,
Oh what gizmo haven't you done?
Hockey Player, chasing bad guys driving in your jeep
Oh how your plot's getting cheep
CHORUS: Every Wednesday, on USA.
Oh McGyver! Yeah!
Grabbing onions, his pocket knife, and model glue
He'll make a time bomb for you...LOOK OUT!
Doesn't use guns, nor drinks a beer of any kind
But he's no wimp, you shall find
CHORUS: Every Wednesday, on USA...
If at nuclear plants, or in the deepest wood,
Or a communist land
he'll kill the bad guys like he should...
Say,
Oh McGyver, now your famous show is off the air
You must find a job out there...NO! NO!
All employers- won't know "Rich Dean",
despite you fame
They'll only know your stage name.
Gotta get a job, get a job...yeah
Oh Mcgyver, you've retired
from the silver screen
Oh McGyver! Up for hire!
You have had your fame, but now you're screwed, oh McGyver
Allright, get a job, get a job, get a job!
(fade out)
(NOTES: This was the first non-food parody I ever posted. It's more against
typecasting than Richard Dean Anderson. Is that the "horn" sign he's giving
with his hand? You be the judge.)
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At a 12:30 meal, in a sandwich pub; We have each just ordered, a tuna club Though they have Tuna fish, as for bread, there's much, But there's no mayo, the final touch... I would have chosen white, if they were out of rye, But mayonaise has no substitute If tuna's mayoless, then I will say "goodbye" I won't settle for other food! CHORUS: Oh they say there's no mayo I don't want ham and cheese Tuna sucks, without mayo I want chicken of the sea...oh... We made a big complaint, as we starved, oh Hiding in our corner of the room Then we said "We don't want snacks, soups, salads or greens" Threw away the cheese, salsa and beans CHORUS: All we want is our tuna, and in that there must be One needs mayo and Tuna, to make Chicken of the Sea (solo) In another deli, on the edge of town hunger in our belly, makes us really frown, on our lunch hour They're not out of mayonaise, yet something is still wrong Can't believe they say "Tuna's all gone" CHORUS: All I wanted was tuna, I'll burn down the deli And I'll search for another, place with Chicken of the Sea Take out! Buy Tuna buy the pound Take out! My stomach's turning round and round and round Eat up! The tuna's going bad, bad Eat up! It's never never never been this sad.(NOTES: "Children of the Sea" is one of my favorite Black Sabbath songs ever. Now guess what also is one of my favorite foods?) Back to the parody list
How do you make loaves of bread Flour and eggs we are beating It has yeast (a thing that's not dead) Bread's therefore germs we are eating, they're eating me! Where do they rinse out your glass? It is just drying there, crusty? When did they do dishes last? The kitchen sink's piled high and dusty, dirty plates....! Oh there's scientific evidence of vermin in the kitchen So waitress grab the spin & span, clean up, I'll stop my bitchin'!! chorus: Are we all haunted by the ghost- unsanitation It just can't be, I've eaten here, at the greasy spoon. Are these real peas and is this yellow water cook's piss? I screamed, called for, the manager, he was a huge cockraoch... SIX FEET TALL!! Six feet tall... Had to blink and shake my head "This thing's for real?" checking again It says in a book I once read: No, this is NOT a good omen: Giant bugs!! Biological principles say nothing of such species I'm gonna puke, the restaurant smells of rotten feces! Chorus: It can't be real, I must be in hallucination The food's so bad, I'm gonna puke point the way, oh please...TO THE STALLS!! To the stalls!! Puking in the stalls....(fade)(NOTES: OK, that last one is probably my weirdest. Not much of a consistant theme; it's mainly just imagery.)
Pi's a ratio, not a fraction It's circumference, divided, by diameter Pi's a number, not a dessert The number is Pi, the number's NOT one! Chorus: Pi, Pi, Pi! Endless decimals that follow a "3" Yes Pi's a giant, Pi is usefull Finding areas, arc lengths, sometimes a mass Three-point-one-four (just a round off) Memorize Pi? Don't try it. You'll never be done. Chorus: Pi, Pi, Pi! Pi, it stands out alone. It's not just some food. Pi, Pi, Pi! Of the irrationals, the one with the most fame by far Pi an angle, Pi galore! Measured by "rad", much more than, that three-point-one-four Greeks calculated, not with a smile All together, they never, found a fraction for chorus: Pi, Pi, Pi All radians are multiples of Pi, Pi, Pi Don't use those degrees, use radians please Pi, Pi, Pi A greek letter alone, but Pi can shock you Pi, Pi, Pi computers calculate, but no one makes the end of it No, No, No... Pi a number, in my head, All computers could never, never make the decimals end.(NOTES: Well, it would be a food if it was "pie", but I do have a degree in Mathematical Sciences, and couldn't resist writing a math parody!) Back to the parody list
I'm hungry in - between meals All I hear is - stomach squeals I cannot wait - till dinner I am so starving Here's what I do, after lunch I snack! Yeah! Get yourself - some crackers They make them just for snackers Potato chips - fruit pieces Satisfy your mouth Peanut butter, make yourself a snack! Snack! There are no cookies left? We'll walk down to the store, on the corner (solo) Snack! Yeah! Snack! Back from the store - with tons of junk food Indulge yourself - with junk food No longer am - I hungry. Now I'm feeling stuffed. Night time's foiled, dinner's spoiled, I have over snacked! (NOTES: A new Dio album, a new set of parodies!)Back to the parody list
When just a cone, will not satisfy, sugar tooth Whipped cream and fudge, sprinkles just for you Sounds like- double Sundae! Mmmm! Each time you think "This topping's the last" You see more. At ice cream bars, piling toppings galore A real tall - double sundae! Adding nuts and cherries, seven inch thick topping Burried ice cream, double sundae Cold ice cream gives you headaces. Just when you were just feeling great. You now feel hyper (was it wise?) Now you're getting sugar highs Great tooth decay, double sundaeBack to the parody list
Who cares, what Mikey likes, was he ever picky? They say, he ate pop rocks, dranks some soda, then he died Suddenly one time, his face was no longer on the box Celebrities, if Mike's famous, where is he now? If his career was a vacuum, how it'd suck! That was his life, his acting, age 4 See how the fame can't last forever Where is he now? Has he a job, beyond the cereal? Who cares who's on the box? Remember Mikey? The spotlight has burned out He never saw the new flavor- Cinnamon Life! (New flavor? 'bout time!) Out of his world, Mikey from Life.Back to the parody list
Well it seems like the coffee shop's the hottest fad of the 90s Swimming in cash- you know it's all a money making scam If I'm away from home, I should not pay, you know- Six bucks- for one cup! I look around and see, a sign says "Tip us, please" Not me- 'cause I see An industry of pure rip-off: it only costs pennies to brew pots! Chorus: It's down at Starbucks, esspresso for four bucks The thieves of Starbucks, gonna rob me clean Places like Starbucks, high pricing, man, it sucks Yeah But why buy? I can brew- cups of coffee at home every dawn There's much better things than coffee that I can blow my paycheck on A small cappacino, is four fifty, you know Too much, for one cup! Their selling biscotti, eight dollars just for three skinny, stale cookies! poetry read by beatnicks You like the 50s? Get those old prices back! Chorus: Behold the Starbucks, a cookie is two bucks Beatnicks at Starbucks, reading poetry Cup- less than a buck? I don't think you're in luck Oh... (solo) repeat chorus yeah! Waiting in long lines, while the yuppies order their Latte` I can see that I'm never ever gonna get wait-on today Grabbed "TIPS" and cookie jars, and booked it for my car no one looks, nor yells "crook!" To piss them off some way, would really make my day, hmm- what else, could I do? I yelled the most insulting words: I screamed very loud "Switch to instant Folger's!" Chorus: The folks at Starbucks, chase after me- I'm fucked! People at Starbucks, shooting guns at me They're throwing hot chunks, of beans at me, quick- duck! This sucks! Beatnicks from Starbucks, I'm not in such great luck Posted at Starbucks- "WANTED" mugs of me Escaping Starbucks, with jar of 60 bucks Hey thanks, Starbucks, a grand worth of biscotti, in my jar- all free! Don't tell me I'm not fair- they've robbed me for years, yeah Over-priced Starbucks! Crazy Starbucks! Starbucks!(NOTES: Yeah, I like cappucino, but this whole money-making coffee house industry in the US is pissing me off. So I named a parody after one of these chains)
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