Another Hair Ball
("Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" part two)


By Matt G. Paradise

NOTE FROM BILL: Here are some more "80s metal bands", A through Z, that Matt felt like commenting on. While I do like some of the bands mentioned here, I am also a fan of spledidly bitter, witty put-downs! So needless to say, I was more than happy to add Matt's rants to the Dio Humor page...

In step with Bill M.'s "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" list, I have selected 26 (mostly) additional bands that should certainly be mentioned in the same company as his. Like him, I did not list ALL bands that start with a given letter (so spare me such e-mails as "DUH... you missed Metallica." I know Metallica exists - but they're still around, still in the spotlight, and they're just not as funny as MSG), so deal with it. Also, other bands are mentioned at the end of each paragraph, which I consider as receiving Honorable Mention.

And, also like Bill, I am not above making fun of bands I LIKE, so keep that in mind. With that, open your notebooks, pick up your pencils, and let's begin...

Accept

Between the cover photo of a guy's crotch (the crotch part would later be edited out - someone must have told them) and a hand holding a metal ball, as well as their song, "London Leatherboys," one wondered if this German export was in fact the first gay-pride metal band. Balls to the wall, indeed. Or, maybe it's just because they're German and they're all kinky over there, anyway. (Other "a" bands: Alcatrazz, Armored Saint, Annihilator)

Bulletboys

Up the chart with a bullet in 1988, and equally as fast a ride down. Pretty-boy pop metal tune "Smooth Up In Ya" was most of what many remember from this Van-Halen-gone-glam effort. I once got laid solely on the premise of lying to the girl about meeting this band. And to think that I just shared that with all of cyberspace. (Other "b" bands: Black N' Blue, Badlands, Britny Fox, Babylon A.D., Bad English)

The Cycle Sluts From Hell

Hell, they made ME wish that I was a beer! None of these ladies actually played their instruments (they got an ex-Overkill guitarist to take most of the axe-wielding), but they sure were easy on the eyes. Picture Vixen for the S&M crowd. (Other "c" bands: Cinderella, Child's Play, Circus Of Power)

Dangerous Toys

In the land of radio metal, virtually every other band in the 80s (and even the early-90s, which is still part of the 80s in a de facto sense) had a mascot - Maiden had Eddie, the Crue had Aleister Fiend, Overkill had Charlie... and Dangerous Toys had some clowned-up Jack-In-the-Box-looking guy. But, if you think that's funny, wait'll you hear the BAND! "Teasin', Pleasin'" was their one-hit wonder claim. The singer was straining harder than Axl Rose, for crying out loud. (Other "d" bands: Damn Yankees, The Dudes of Wrath (remember the "Shocker" soundtrack?), D.A.D. (who obvious slept TOO MANY days away), Dokken)

Enuff Z'Nuff

Blame these gents for the induction of psychedelia into late-80s glam metal. No one understood it, least of all me. "Fly High Michelle" and "New Thing" analogized their meteoric rise, and then became their forgotten epitaphs. (Other "e" bands: Every Mother's Nightmare, The Electric Angels (immortalized in my mind for "The Drinking Song" which sported the all-memorable line: "I never really loved you / I just drank too much."), Extreme, Europe)

Faster Pussycat

Admittedly, I really miss them. Probably one of the top glam bands of the 80s - and they even owned a big Hollywood club. "House of Pain" brought them commercial success, but the first album was simply gutsier, like most glam debut albums. (Other "f" bands: Flotsam and Jetsam, Frehley's Comet, Fastway, Fate's Warning)

The Great Kat

The Great Kat (the band and the woman) existed presumably to prove that there was such thing as a guitar goddess. In pure speed and delivery, she made Lita Ford look like one of those Riot Grrl band hacks. VH-1 should find THIS M.I.A. (Other "g" bands: Great White, Guiffria, Guy-Mann Dude)

Helix

When Orwell wrote _1984_, I don't think that he, in his worst nightmare, could have predicted the rolling avalanche of cheddar that was Helix! "Rock You" was their moment in the spotlight, proving that at least they could spell: "Gimme an R (R!) O (O!) C (C!) K (K!)... whatcha got?"... A band no one cared about from 1985 on up. (Other "h" bands: Hanoi Rocks, Hellion)

Infectious Grooves

A couple guys from Suicidal Tendencies formed this funk/metal outfit that did some song I couldn't remember the title of if you paid me, probably because every other new hard-edged band whored themselves to the funk metal trend during the early-90s. Enough said.

Jetboy

The singer had a mohawk. That is all. (Other "j" band(s): Jackyl)

Kix

Fuses aren't the only thing this "Cold Blood"ed band blew. (Other "k" bands: Keel, Krokus, Kik Tracee)

Love/Hate

"Blackout In The Red Room" brought them love. Then Seattle brought them hate. (Other "l" bands: Leatherwolf, London (in the summer of 1999, London's ex-vocalist was on "Love Connection" and was trashed by the girl on national television. Oh, and London is no more, in case you cared), Lizzy Borden, Lynch Mob)

MSG

Are they an unhealthy food additive or a band? Actually, it's the Michael Schenker Group. Too bad it was his brother Rudy who ended up in the famous band: The Scorpions. (Other "m" bands: Marillion, Madam X, Manitoba's Wild Kingdom, Mr. Big)

Nelson

Pop metal taken to the pop extreme. Double your nausea, double your cringe... it's Matthew and Gunnar, the Nelson twins! "Love and Affection" and "After The Rain" were their hits. Maybe it shouldn't have been RICKY'S career that Ozzie silenced.

Odin

Yes, I know Bill used this one, too. But allow me to elaborate. There were TWO Odins, actually: one was fronted by some big muscle guy, and the other was a cheesy L.A. bar metal band with delusions of musical ability. The latter, in case you don't know, was forever preserved in all of their embarrassment in the late-80s metal documentary, "The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years."

Pretty Boy Floyd

'Leather Boyz with Electric Toyz!" More glam than glam. I wish I could write something else, but I can't.

Quiet Riot

(the "other" metal band that starts with a "q") Should rename themselves Riot Quiet, if they actually wanted to accurately display the order of their popularity phases. I'm sure there are people who STILL hate Kevin Dubrow.

Roxx Gang

The sleeper band of the glam fraternity. Did the song "No E-Z Way Out" in 1989 and then faded into the background whilst Seattle reached its optimum impact.

Scatterbrain

"I'm not going... down with the ship." Oh, yes, you ARE! (Other "s" bands: Salty Dog (no comeback for these "Lonesome Fool"s), Seduce, Sanctuary (Seattle metal: R.I.P.), Saigon Kick, Stryper, Steelheart, Slaughter)

Tora Tora

A completely useless band, indistinguishable from Bill's "T" choice band, Trixter. (Other "t" bands: Tesla, Tuff)

Ugly Kid Joe

So, I agree with Bill on this one. Besides, how many one-hit metal bands are there that start with the letter "u?" The singer of this band went on to do a project CD with Lemmy from Motorhead and Ice-T for some twisted reason that eludes me.

Vain

San Francisco's glam kings, and another victim of the assassination of the genre in the early-90s. "Beat The Bullet" was the song, something they couldn't do for very long. (Other "v" bands: Vince Neil, Vinnie Vincent Invasion)

Warrior Soul

Where did they go? "The Wasteland" of one-hot wonder bands, perhaps? (Other "w" bands: Winger, White Lion, W.A.S.P., Whitesnake, Warrant)

XYZ

(another one of Bill's choices...)

Y'n'T

(...and yet another...)

Zoetrope

(...but I manage something else besides Zebra!) It's okay if you don't remember them. They're only here because of that magic "z" anyway.

Matt G. Paradise is a publisher, writer, documentarian, former musician, videographer, Church of Satan priest, and metal historian.

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