The Carrots Are Behind It All

The Orange Menace

Fig 1. The Enemy

Current methods for distributing information are apallingly inadequate. For example, just look at the widespread ignorance about the hideous threat of The Carrots. Most people are under the ridiculous impression that carrots are just ordinary vegetables, and pose no threat whatsoever to humanity. Oh, how wrong they are.

In our quest to spread illumination and generally wipe out ignorance everywhere, we will now clear up some misunderstandings and misconceptions about carrots.

  1. Carrots are not poisonous. This may sound incredible, but it is absolutely true. Carrots are not poisonous in the least. They actually crush and strangle their prey like boa constrictors, and then swallow it whole. The carrot's bite is totally harmless.
  2. Carrots are not cold blooded. In fact, scientists have discovered that not only are carrots warm-blooded, but that they actually possess a complex nervous system, and are probably as many as 10 times smarter than your average vegetable.
  3. Carrots have a hive mentality. Believed originally to be a solitary hunter, new information leads experts in vegetable sociology to believe that carrots form collectives called bunches. Large numbers of carrots may band together to defeat large or particularly annoying enemies. The kill is then cut up into swallowable pieces with chainsaws.
  4. Carrots cannot be killed with ordinary knives. It has been demonstrated again and again that carrot sticks are just as dangerous as whole carrots. Cutting a carrot into several pieces not only won't kill the monstrous being, but will actually make it more of a threat by causing the creature to multiply. Ever hear of The Sorceror's Apprentice?
  5. Carrots have several natural enemies in the wild. Believed originally to be at the top of the food chain, startling new research has revealed that carrots are hunted as food by a variety of predators.
  6. Carrots make poor rock chisels. Intricate and delicately performed lab experimentation has revealed that your average carrot simply will not stand up well to a blow from a sledge hammer.

Another little known fact is the carrot's capacity to control the human mind. Here is how to tell if someone has had their will fiendishly usurped by one of these sinister vegetables. A person who meets any of these criteria could be a mindless pawn of the carrots.

Warning Signs

  • The individual has painted themselves orange and dyed their hair green.
  • The individual has a carrot lodged in their ear. This can be difficult to determine - look closely. Under careful inspection, you may notice about four inches of carrot sticking out of their ear, plus any greenery still attached to the end.
  • The individual frequently makes references to "our glorious vegetable army," "The Great Orange Wave," or "the final extermination of the rutabaga."
One of my colleagues (Sir Giggles of Orono) asked me some very interesting questions about the tunneling techniques of the Libyan Salad Carrot, leading to some intensive investigation on my part. Of course, it was originally believed that these vicious predators grew in the earth, and could not tunnel at all! But, science has prevailed, and now we know more.

In 1934, Sir Anthony Wickywack of Nuqunuque Switzerland launched an expedition to Libya, to study the infamous Salad Carrot of that region. His entire expedition was destroyed by an as yet inexplicable swarm of IQPs.

Later, in 1947, Reginald Harquiste VII took an expedition to Libya. His findings were inconclusive, and his theories of a clockwise spinning motion to burrow into the earth were widely ridiculed as ludicrous. He died of shame in a bathtub in his motel room in Lincoln, Nebraska in 1949, after a particularly violent debate.

In 1957, Applesinth Smythe-Smithson put forth a theory that the carrot in question burrowed with a counter-clockwise, or widdershins, rotation. This was more widely accepted, but other theories still held weight, and a conclusion could not be reached.

Finally, after the dark ages of Carrot research had passed (between 1960 and 1977), the famous Vegebotanopologist Akron Ipswitchitaniwackwimble launched an expedition that finally disovered the secret. Apparently, the carrots hire Angolian Swamp Radishes to do the mining, equipping them with chisels, hammers, picks and hydraulic drills. The miners wages are still being researched at this time, but it is know that they have an extensive labor union, dental plan, fringe benefits program, and company picnic.

Composition of a Carrot
Parts of the carrot identified

Fig 2. Parts of the Enemy


Dozens of people have written to me asking about the composition of carrots. Well, actually, they haven't. I'm sure that they would have, if they weren't already pawns of the Great Orange Wave.

Carrots are about 87% water, 6% post-consumer recycled materials, 4% natural and artifical flavors, and 3% pure evil. That may sound like a small percentage of evil, but it's one of the most concentrated sources of evil in the entire vegetable kingdom. Health specialists are always going on about these mythical things called "vitamins," but don't be fooled. Carrots are full of nothing but evil! Well, evil, and lots of water. Never mind.

The diagram on the left shows the parts of a carrot. At the top and to the right of the figure you can see several green tentacles sprouting from around the mouth of the carrot. The carrot uses these to strangle its prey or to operate power tools. If these tentacles are ripped off, the carrot must depend entirely on its horrifying mind control powers. Don't think you're safe from a carrot just because you've dismembered it!

Below the mouth is the attic, where the carrot stores lots of things it needs but doesn't have any other place to put - heart, lungs, etc. Just below the attic lies the carrot's highly developed brain, where it cooks up foul plots and diabolical schemes for world domination. Near the bottom of the figure is the carrot's foot, which can be used for locomotion or for drilling its way into the dirt in the event that there are no Angolian Swamp Radishes present to do the digging for it.

The carrot's body is covered in a hard, armored carapace. This shell protects the carrot from predators and makes a loud cracking noise when the carrot is snapped into pieces.

I feel it's very important that the truth about these vegetables is made known to the public. Please send others to this page so that they can get the most recent updates in the war against these sinister vegetables. Thank you for your cooperation, and beware the Orange Menace.

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