Merc-Watch - We solve all of your problems with just one bullet - the other bullets are just for fun. "But what is Merc-Watch?" | ||
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The answer is simple - Merc-Watch is the ultimate solution to all of your home security problems. There is no better way to insure the safety of your home, possessions, and family than to turn over their defense to a horde of gun-toting mercenaries. For a reasonable monthly fee, we can have your home encased in barbed wire and electric fencing, surrounded by mine fields, and patrolled constantly by the kind of soldiers who understand that the only good kind of enemy is the kind whose corpse you're looting for spare ammunition. | |
Merc-Watch - Because you never know who that old lady could be working for. "How did Merc-Watch get started?" | ||
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Originally conceived by high school kids who weren't getting enough sleep, Merc-Watch has blossomed into the ultimate engine for global domina...er...home defense. Yes. Home defense. Of course, the defense of your home may require us to periodically invade other countries, topple their governments, and seize power. After all, the best way to maintain good relations with your neighbors is to crush them and make them part of your ever-growing empire. We know what we're doing. We're professionals. | |
Merc-Watch - Because the best defense is a pre-emptive strike against your neighbors. "How can they help me?" | ||
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When we're done with your house, you'll barely even recognize it. Your neighbors won't recognize it. In fact, your neighbors might even move away. If they don't, we'll be sure to monitor them around the clock, watching for that moment when they are at their weakest. And then...
Never again will you need fear who that door-to-door salesman might be working for. When woodland creatures wandered into your yard, you never knew what kind of explosives they might have strapped to their bodies - but that won't be a problem anymore. You'll be so safe you'll wonder how you managed to survive without us. You'll never want to go back to the way things were before - ever. | |
Merc-Watch - Because nothing brings peace of mind like the presence of men who are carrying their body weight in ammunition. "How can I be a part of Merc-Watch?" | ||
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Do you want to see if you've got what it takes? Before you can even fill out the employee application, let alone attempt the exhausting physical exam, we must first find out if you have the right kind of mind for the job. To determine this, we get a psychological and ethical profile of all prospective employees through the application of a pair of screening tests. Just record your answers to the questions on each of these tests, and return to them to Merc-Watch. We'll let you know if you've got what it takes to be part of the greatest paramilitary home security enterprise in the world. | |
Merc-Watch - Because if you don't, your neighbors will. | ||
Employee Psychological Profile Examination |
Ethics, Morals, and Personal Standards Inventory |
