Stuff that Happened to Thing #5
Part 5: Am I Hallucinating, or is that a Mirage Over There?

Last time, Thing went into the kitchen again. He does a lot of that. He has a nice kitchen. You should see it some time.

"Hwango, I think I'm going to plant a Zen garden and raze Azaleas." Thing #5 said, turning off the quisinart.

"I think that's an idea, Thing." Hwango the Indistinct said as he poured molten lead on his pancakes.

"Well, you're wrong again. That was a statement."

"I'll never figure out how to tell those apart, Thing."

"That's probably true, Hwango, since you're amazingly stupid."

"Thing, you keep insulting me."

"That's an idea, Hwango, I think I will."

Thing sat down at the table and decided there was too much coherent action going on, so he flibbled the toaster for a wiggee or so. Later he found it nearly impossible to untangle the heating coils.

"Thing," Hwango said, "I've discovered a gnome in my cereal." Thing shot a confused look at Hwango, but it missed and hit the gnome. The confused looking gnome tried to run away, but Hwango stepped on him.

"It's okay, I got him. Oops. He's a bit squished. What a tragedy."

"A tragedy is an event that is widely regarded as mournful and saddening; an unpleasant occurance leading to great strife and grief. Please try to learn to use verbs in your questions, though, you moron."

"I'm sorry, Thing, but I wish you wouldn't point out how stupid I am so often."

"Then do something about it." Thing said. Hwango looked up angrilly.

"Oh, come on, Thing! You know I'm too stupid to figure out how to solve my own problems!"

Thing hit him over the head with a conveniently placed caribu, and felt a great deal better.

"Ow." Hwango said. He took a bite of his pancakes. "These are a bit undercooked, you know." he said, frowning.

"Cooked? Ah, yes, I knew I'd forgotten something." Thing said, and blasted Hwango's plate with a flamethrower.

"Thing, you're awfully violent today."

"I disagree! I think I'm doing an excellent job of being violent today. In fact, this is the most violent I've been in aeons." Thing said, and clubbed Hwango with an eighteenth century literary master. A whistle sounded.

"Thing, the coffee is done." Hwango said. Thing took the coffee's plate away and asked it if it would like any dessert. Another whistle sounded, and Hwango watched the train pull away.

"I've missed my train, Thing." Hwango said.

"Why don't you call, or visit, then?"

"I am visiting now, Thing."

"I meant the train, Hwango." Thing said.

"You meant it? Is meant the passed tense of something."

"No, 'meant' is the past tense of 'to mean,' and 'somethingified' is the past tense of 'something.'"


"I said: no, 'meant' is the past tense of 'to mean,' and 'somethingified' is the past tense of 'something.' Did you hear me that time?"

"That's not what I meant by 'what.' I meant what is the something that somethingified is the past tense of?"

"Oh. Well, try to be more distinct." Thing thought about this for a moment. "Oh, right."

"I can't, I'm busy trying to escape from the poison arrow frogs."

"I think you're imagining things, Hwango."

"No, I don't have time for that either, these frogs are really nasty."

Thing watched Hwango thrash around on the floor, wrestling with imaginary poison arrow frogs. Thing began to look for his backhoe.

"Planning on a little light construction?" Hwango asked, noticing Thing moving over to his backhoe.

"No, the construction of light does not require a backhoe. I'm just going to run you over a few times to shut you up."

"Ah. Carry on then." Hwango said. Then he suddenly realized the implications of Thing's statement. "You don't need a backhoe to construct light?!" he exclaimed, shocked by this startling revelation.

"Amazing but true." Thing said as he started the backhoe.

"Um...Thing? Does this episode end with my death?"

"No, Hwango, this time it's a cliffhanger ending full of suspense."

Tune in next time to find out what happens to Hwango the Indistinct! Oh, wait, that's not much, there'll also be spoons!

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