Stuff that Happened to Thing #5
Part 6: The Collapsible Orange and Three Other Tails

"Thing," Hwango the Indistinct said, "Did you ever dream that you were a two-dimensional character in a thoroughly pointless literary excursion?"

"No," said Thing #5, putting the backhoe in gear.

"Oh." said Hwango. He paused. "Ever dream you were a spoon?" he asked. The noise of the backhoe stopped instantly. Thing ran around in front of it and shook Hwango.

"Yes!" he shrieked excitedly, "Do you realize what this means?! Maybe we really are spoons, and all of this is a dream!"

"Glaaaaaar." Hwango said, drooling. Thing's enthusiastic shaking had banged Hwango's head into the ground so many times that he was certain he could feel something vaguely brain-like oozing out of his skull. Thing ignored this, and began to squash the imaginary poison arrow frogs that had held Hwango captive.

"Thing," Hwango managed, rising to a sitting position, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Killing the frogs," said Thing, jumping up and down on the empty floor.

"Ah." Hwango said. "So, the attractive aspect of our story is the mindless violence?"

"How do you come to that conclusion?"

"Well, there's no excessive foul language."

"Damn straight."

"And no gratuitous sex." Hwango said. Thing looked around to make certain that no other characters had been added to the story for this purpose.

"You're right," he said, somewhat disappointed.

"So it must be violence," Hwango said, reasoning that those were the only things that still drew in an audience. He then proceeded to hit Thing with an unimaginably large cartoon mallet.

"I guess so," Thing said. He was about to hit Hwango with a tire iron when suddenly there was a major plot development.

"Gaah!" Hwango said, caught off guard. He sat up in bed. He'd just had the most horrifying dream. He leapt out of bed and ran to Thing's house.

"Hwango!," Thing greeted him, opening the door. "What brings you halfway across the country to Florida?"

"I've just had the most terrifying nightmare."

"Bet it doesn't top mine. I dreamt that we were in episode 5 already."

"No, mine was worse! We were in episode 6!"


"And we were spoons!"


"It gets even worse! I was nearly killed!"

Thing's expression brightened for a moment, but then he keeled over.

"Thing?" Hwango said, fanning the unconscious Thing with his hand. Thing weakly opened his eyes.

"Why did you just stand there doing nothing while I passed out from lack of oxygen?" demanded Thing.

"I'd have juggled, but I've forgotten how." Hwango said.

"I see. Anyway, I have bad news for you. Your dream is true."

"We're spoons?!" Hwango said, cringing in horror.

"Nooooo," Thing said, backing away from Hwango a bit, "We really are in episode 6."

Hwango's jaw dropped off, and he slipped on a coma and fell into a banana peel. Oh, wait, I have that mixed up. That should read "peel banana a into fell and coma a on slipped he." Sorry about that. I promise to do better next episode.

Tune in next episode, when I do better! Tense drama! Amazing special effects! Two titles!

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