| Interviewer: | Today, we're speaking to Thing #5, star of Stuff That Happened to Thing #5. Thank you for taking this time to speak to us, Mr. #5. |
| Thing #5: | What did you just call me? |
| Interviewer: | "Mr. #5." Do you prefer "Thing #5," or maybe just "Thing?" |
| Thing #5: | Who are you? What the hell is going on? |
| Interviewer: | I'm an interviewer. I'm interviewing you so that our readers can get to know you better. |
| Thing #5: | That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm a fictional character. You can't interview a fictional character. And why would readers need an interview to get to know me better?! If they read the story, they already know about me! |
| Interviewer: | But sir, you have fans who want to get to know the real you; the man behind the frustrated explosions of rage. |
| Thing #5: | You mean they want to know that I collect antique tea pots, or something. |
| Interviewer: | Exactly! So, how long have you been collecting antique tea pots? |
| Thing #5: | I don't collect antique tea pots! It was just an example! I don't do anything unless it's in the story! I don't exist outside the story! [pauses, looks horrified] I just realized how unbelievably depressing that is. That dreadful story comprises my entire existence. |
| Interviewer: | So, you don't think much of the story, then? |
| Thing #5: | Clearly, you haven't read the story at all, or you would not need to ask that question. |
| Interviewer: | Well…no, not exactly. But my editor gave me the gist of it. |
| Thing #5: | This is worse than I thought. It's bad enough that I, a fictional character, am being interviewed by a fictional interviewer. It's even worse to discover that you're not even a good journalist. |
| Interviewer: | That's not fair! |
| Thing #5: | Isn't it? You didn't do any background research before you began this interview! That's not good journalism! |
| Interviewer: | Look, I don't have to take this from you. You just wait until I publish this interview. I'm going to lie about what you said and make you look like a homicidal idiot! You'll rue the day you crossed paths with me! |
| Thing #5: | [beheads interviewer with a piece of string] |
| Interviewer: | [dies] |
| Thing #5: | That'll teach you not to do your research. |
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