Interview with Thing #5



Interviewer:Today, we're speaking to Thing #5, star of Stuff That Happened to Thing #5. Thank you for taking this time to speak to us, Mr. #5.
Thing #5:What did you just call me?
Interviewer:"Mr. #5." Do you prefer "Thing #5," or maybe just "Thing?"
Thing #5: Who are you? What the hell is going on?
Interviewer:I'm an interviewer. I'm interviewing you so that our readers can get to know you better.
Thing #5:That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm a fictional character. You can't interview a fictional character. And why would readers need an interview to get to know me better?! If they read the story, they already know about me!
Interviewer:But sir, you have fans who want to get to know the real you; the man behind the frustrated explosions of rage.
Thing #5:You mean they want to know that I collect antique tea pots, or something.
Interviewer: Exactly! So, how long have you been collecting antique tea pots?
Thing #5:I don't collect antique tea pots! It was just an example! I don't do anything unless it's in the story! I don't exist outside the story! [pauses, looks horrified] I just realized how unbelievably depressing that is. That dreadful story comprises my entire existence.
Interviewer:So, you don't think much of the story, then?
Thing #5:Clearly, you haven't read the story at all, or you would not need to ask that question.
Interviewer:Well…no, not exactly. But my editor gave me the gist of it.
Thing #5:This is worse than I thought. It's bad enough that I, a fictional character, am being interviewed by a fictional interviewer. It's even worse to discover that you're not even a good journalist.
Interviewer:That's not fair!
Thing #5:Isn't it? You didn't do any background research before you began this interview! That's not good journalism!
Interviewer:Look, I don't have to take this from you. You just wait until I publish this interview. I'm going to lie about what you said and make you look like a homicidal idiot! You'll rue the day you crossed paths with me!
Thing #5:[beheads interviewer with a piece of string]
Interviewer:[dies]
Thing #5:That'll teach you not to do your research.



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